A  TIME  article asked some thoughtful dads what they hope their kids will someday ask them. Here – to celebrate my next, my 80th birthday – I shall give it a go with my own answers for my children … this comes after what had taken place on my  70th birthday; Aboriginees call this sort of parlance ‘Truth Telling’ …

… furthermore, I invite my children to submit their own questions.

• “Dad, what scars do you have – and what did you learn from them?”

When my marriage with your mother failed, I was heart-broken. I had been in love like with Leesa only once before, when I was 19 years old (her name was Heidi, she left me for an older man). Leesa confessed to me later that she only was able to get married at the time “because I was stoned”. My lesson then is: One does not have the capacity to really, truly know or understand another person.

Another scar resulted from a business venture that went totally awry, some 35 years ago. I had taken part in a stupid weekend seminar, “Born Rich”, by Bob Proctor: “you were born rich, but you may not know it; unlock your riches with this procedure.” That advice cost me $80k. The lesson? The Law of Attraction is utter bullshit.

• “What were you like when you were my age?”

I was much more reckless than I wish I had been. When I was younger, in my twenties, I made my ‘big trip’ to India and beyond. I repeatedly risked our lives (Saskia’s and mine), especially in Afghanistan, but also in Turkey and in India. Later on, in my thirties, forties and fifties I kept doing just what I wanted to do, without regard to my financial future … I made terrible financial mistakes and spent money as soon as I had made some. Sorry, kids.

• “What was it like getting married? What were the best/worst parts?”

Getting married was glorious … I loved it. As soon as we got married we decided to have a baby, which was even more glorious; I can’t understand how young parents have such a hard time with their little ones, I thought it was the best time of my life then. However, the higher you fly, the more it pains when you crash down.

• “Will you teach me something you love to do?”

Well, kids, I love to love. I hate to hate. And my philosophy is about loving, not just infatuation but true love … not just to love my family, but to love humanity. I say at some place in my book, “I love humanity, different nationalities, races, traits … all and sundry.” That is what my book is about and that is what my life is about. To quote Victor Frankl, who said in his book Man’s Search For Meaning (about his time in the Auschwitz concentration camp, where he was surrounded by death,  and cruelty):

• “I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The Truth – that Love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love, and in love.”

There is one other thing I deem essential in life: I love being decent and truthful. Victor Frankl again: “There are only two races of man, the ‘decent’ race of man, and the ‘indecent’ race of man”.

So those two things are the best I can teach you.

• “What was it like when you became a dad?”

As I said above, it was glorious. I was smitten with our little baby … admittedly, since I always worked from home (which I actually did till the end of my working days), I was always with him. I quickly learned all I needed to know looking after a little one, changing nappies etc. I don’t know if your mum remembers it differently, but I remember that time as extra special … learning about the new life in my life, the responsibilities. There is a photo of me, attaché case in hand and baby Radjin in a backpack, he came with me to a business meeting. I hope your mum agrees that I was good at fathering. Frankly, I embraced my responsibilities, I was happy with them and I made plans for the future … even though they suddenly changed, and we went to Australia.

• “What do you want to pass on from how you were raised—and what do you want to do differently?”

I can’t think of anything I would want to be different … except possibly that once my dad threatened to drop me, because – being very conservative – he didn’t really agree with the way I lived my life. He was pretty quick smart pulled into line by my Mum (your Nanni) who said, “if you do that, I’ll leave you”. 

But two things stand out for me: my mum very much loved my dad and vise versa, they were totally dedicated to one another … that always inspired me. My dad used to go on many two/three-day business trips. He was entitled to first class travel, but he insisted on down-grading and instead take my mum with him.

The other thing that was preeminent in my upbringing was my dad’s utter righteousness and decency. He was in a prominent position within Coca Cola, the head purchasing officer for all German speaking countries (Germany, Austria, Switzerland, Luxembourg and Lichtenstein). All his suppliers would shower him with gifts (bribes) every Christmas – to his private address, our house. He would either take most of them to the office, to be distributed among his staff (for instance cases of wine), or indeed return them. Now … he would buy about 100 trucks every year. One year a little box from Mercedes Benz arrived, the size of a match-box car. My brother and me were fighting over it, expecting a little Mercedes toy. But the box contained a car key. We went on to the window … and lo and behold, across the street was parked a brand spanking new S-class Merc. My dad was furious. The next year he bought 100 Magirus Deutz trucks.

• “What makes you proud of me?”

My dear children, I love that I can see in you some of the qualities my dad has engendered in me. I am proud of that all of you are decent, upright, hard-working citizens, who bring up their children to be just that aswell. Your parenting is very good … I love my grandchildren and I trust they will carry on the Burmeister qualities that were instilled by their fore-fathers. That’s something to be proud of.

• “Are you OK, Dad?”

Yes, guys, I’m OK, I’m very ok. To begin with, I am in a very happy relationship. I love Jan to bits, a love that is reciprocated. I’m very happy living here in Balmoral with Jan and her mum … and I am ever so happy that I don’t have to worry about the future, what with Jan likely to receive an inheritance that will enable her to buy a house (where that’ll be we don’t know). Jan and my finances – living on the pension and having simple needs – are under control, in fact we are comfortable.

Looking back I think I have had a good life. I have seen a little bit of the world. I had a good professional career … I was lucky in that I was able to stay with my chosen profession all my working life.

I think in everyone’s life comes a time where one looks back, especially in one’s advanced age – and I am in my eightieth year – when one is tempted to nominate which was ones best time in ones life. In 80 years I think one probably has various ‘best times’; my first ‘best time’ were my two years in Amsterdam. I had professionally the most lucrative time. I never again made as much money and while I never was able to form an even semi-permanent relationship (frankly, I was a ‘loner’, a hard working one) I enjoyed my time, what with Amsterdam’s museums, the café culture, concerts, ‘Paradiso’ and the ‘Milky Way’ – venues with life music, good food and soft drugs (marihuana was legal, we smoked it, had it in tea and cookies). 

My ‘big trip’ unquestioningly was also a ‘best time’.

My next ‘best time in my life’ was meeting Leesa in Bali, bringing her to Copenhagen and having a baby with her. My career flourished, I did some of my best photographic work and generally enjoyed our life, with some good friends, Stuart and Ted.

After that I had a ‘best time’ in those few years in Kalang, after Saskia was born and before our marriage broke down; special years, those.

I mentioned ‘some of my best photographic work’; well, that would be my still life work. However, looking back I deem my ‘very best work’ my erotic photoart. Quite unique, very satisfying … another ‘best time’.

But now we come to my ‘very best time ever’ … the recent few years with Jan; we keep saying to each other – every day, morning and night – we are the luckiest people in the world. In fact we say, “this is as good as it gets”. All up we’ve been together for 28 years. During some of those years I was not always doing too well … when my mum died, I travelled to Germany more often that I could afford (5 times in 18 months). I lost so much work when away; I went bankrupt and eventually lost my business, which was a bit painful. Jan helped me through those times, in many, many ways … not least financially:

• Just the other day I had reason to specify to your Mum what had been going on for me in respect to my finances …
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• … a bit of background: I sold the jewellery I had inherited for a few thousand dollars … at a time when I sold at auction all my studio content, equipment, furniture etc – which I had valued at $100k (expect to get about 10% of that, said the auctioneer when they came to the studio to catalogue it) – well, I got $985.75 !!! You remember my large table? $3. The six chairs (cost $99 each) $3 the lot; Mark’s steel table that cost me (from memory) a grand, sold for $10 etc. etc.

  That of course is after many years ago I sold my record collection for $600. For about 800 records; incl. all 34 Rolling Stones albums (all original first editions); just the Sticky Fingers album is now between $1k and $2,155 + tax on eBay. My collection of 200+ photobooks fetched $2k … Ansel Adams alone cost $195 … most of them were around $100. My 1975 Rolex watch … I was so happy when I got $2.5k for it (I had paid $500). Three months later I saw it in the shop window … $9,750. Now-a-days the market value is between $15,000 and $30,000 AUD. Yani is sooo pissed off I sold it.

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• What I’m saying is – not that I really need to tell you – I’ve been very bad – indeed careless – with assets and money … all my life.

Back to my ‘very best time ever’  – and probably most importantly, if you were to ask, “are you ok right now?” – in my retirement I am able to develop a new passion: my writing. To continuously be able to work on my book is hugely satisfying. I am very lucky that I am given the space  in our relationship to write … in fact, Jan says that she loves my writings, my principles, my values (after all that is what my book is all about). She will even say that this is what attracted her to me in the first place.

Jan and have a love that is growing and growing. We are very, very happy here in Balmoral … living with Grandma Liz is easy, she’s a lovely old lady (97 now). The pension is enough for us (we can save), like I said, we have simple needs. Our situation doesn’t allow for travels … a journey for us these days is to catch a bus to Taronga Zoo wharf, the ferry across, the tram to the city, a bit of shopping, lunch … and back. But mainly it’s just staying home, reading books, looking after Grandma, going for walks – all the way out to the tip of the Balmoral rock shelf, from where there is nothing but a view over the ocean – and, oh yes, we have that beach around the corner! And on that corner is a café which happens to have the best cheese cake  🙂

So, yes … I’m ok.

• “If you were to give me your blessing, what would it be?”

Please, please my dear children: love and be happy. My book en.light.en.ment offers this as a foundation for a good life:

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• develop these qualities: accept what you cannot change;  detach from mishaps, inconveniences, insults and irritations; let go of grievances and forgive; curb desires; grasp reality; be true to your values; have a clear mind; love and be happy                                    

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Here is a question I would like to add myself:

• “How do you feel about your relationships with your children?”

Well, here goes: Saskia and I have a very intimate relationship, the type where we “can talk about everything”; which – of course – is very satisfying … a dad’s dream. Now, with all I’m saying here, my lovely children, please remember … I love you guys heaps, all of you, including, of course, my five grandchildren.

But I must say, with you my boys, this “talking about everything” bit is problematic. I grieve about not being able to talk with you, Rad, about “everything”, in fact our conversations – while I feel a lot of love coming from you – are quite superficial, and very infrequent. I hope it works out that you will be able to make good on your promise that you will call me more often (after that weekend course you did a while ago). I understand that you are obligated not to talk about your family life with me, except in regard to Keanu … well, it is what it is.

Same with Yani … it is what it is. Yani and I cannot “talk about everything” at all. Yani, you get very defensive when subjects come up that don’t fit into your frame of reference. And you are the one of my children who gets outright insulting, offensively so. Our talks, our time together, go well … because we just talk about superficial stuff, the kids, their soccer, school, and then we get your raves about investments, cryptos, business etc. But when it comes to more meaty stuff, like values, truths, reality … the bottom falls out; remember this email exchange? (after Charly Kirk’s death):

• I forced myself to read your entire email—every word. As painful as it was. Your worldview is so warped in one direction that it’s becoming impossible to respect you, Dad. I don’t want to speak right now. Please stop sending me this garbage.
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• Yes, It must be crushing to face the fact that none of your children align with—or support—your worldview. Despite that, I’ve still tried to stay engaged with you. I’ve given you space. I’ve asked repeatedly that we keep politics out of our conversations.
   
  You refuse. Or worse, you’re incapable. This is where I draw the line, Dad. Don’t contact me again for a while.
   
  This coming from someone who never allows others to simply live without being bombarded by his opinions. Oh, and remember, you can read them too in his book! The irony here is laughable!
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• I do not read your emails anymore.

Oh, my book?! It disappeared from your bookshelf. Did you burn it, like Hitler did with books that didn’t fit into his ideology? Or did you just throw it out, like Trump does with books that don’t align with MAGA? 

Painful only just scratches the surface … one day, Yani, I trust we’ll talk about this stuff. Before then, please ponder this (Krishnamurti): “The highest form of intelligence is to observe without judging.”

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And now please ask me any question that may come to your mind …