On being a father
Update: Another ten years have past, and I now have five grandchildren. Yani - on the left - has two, Koby and Elijah; Saskia has Jackson (JJ) Jay and Bodhi; Radjin has Keanu. Still my favourite family photo.
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This photo of my children and myself
is from 2005, we are nine years older now ... yet, it’s my favorite photo of
myself and my kids. There is a serenity there, a calm; it’s a sentient depiction
of our family unit.
I’ve been thinking about my
father-role after reading an article by Steve Biddulph “Healing the Father
Wound”. I have reason to believe I have been - all told - a good father. I've been abundantly rewarded ... my kids turned out well. We have a good relationship (the article makes me
realize, in that we are in a minority).
I have just read an autobiographical
piece my daughter wrote some four years ago, where she said about me “sometimes
when I am confused my father sums up my quandary in one sentence, and
everything will become simple. My father is the opposite of drama. He is
stillness, quality and presence in one human being.”
My daughter put in words what I see
as the purpose of my fatherhood. I want to be there for my children, at all
times, listen to them, never judge them, always accept them and what they do, give
advice, but only when I'm asked. I remember my own grandfather ... we have a picture
in our family album from the 1950s; there he is, in his armchair, book, glass
of beer and cigar all in place. My Mum used to recall I said “when I’m old I want
to be just like Opa: Happy, content, available … always listening and
understanding, never judging.” A tall order … I often think about it; I hope
I’ll manage to live up to it, with my grandchildren as well as my own children.
My kids are big now, my daughter is
married with a child and a baby on the way ... my grandson is one of the great
joys of my life. My boys are running their own business … they are very busy,
don’t have much time for me now (enough time, though, to say they love me). I savour the moments, the minutes they
spare to spend with me; frankly, I’ll just sit in on their meetings and be
there for them should an issue arise where I can offer advice (rare now). I
hope just having me there is a comfort for them.
